The Art (and Cure) of Love

Technique which is guaranteed to bring good results! Now, you ae thinking that is just hyperbole, but the author is happy to double down.

The first thing to get in your head is that every single
Girl can be caught—and that you’ll catch her if
You set your toils right.

Could you ask for a better example of e problems of the modern age than this? Reducing that ancient art of courtship to a matter of applying the proper technique to attain a realizable goal? All peppered with that cheesy tone of “You can do this! We can Help!” Home Depot meets Jane Austen. The decadence of the 21^st century.

Then again, the book wasn’t written in the 21^st century. Is was written two thousand years ago. Ovid, The Art of Love (Peter Green translation). Some things really do never change.

I heard about the book from a student I know who had been reading it in her Latin course. It was, she told me, incredibly funny. So, I bought it. She was right—it is extremely funny. (Also amusing: I bought it with funds from a research account I have at the school. The title of Peter Green’s Ovid translation in which the work is found is, most unfortunately, The Erotic Poems. I had to think twice about whether I really wanted to send in the receipt for this book for reimbursement. Ovid would laugh at my conundrum.)

What makes the book so amusing? First off, Ovid’s unrelenting fishing for praise. “And when you’ve brought down your/ Amazon, write on the trophy Ovid was my guide.” “As once the young men, so now let my girl-disciples/ Inscribe their trophies: Ovid was my guide.”

To what end was Ovid their guide? There are three parts to the poem. Ovid first tells men how to woo the girl of their dreams. Having won her, part 2 is devoted to how to keep the girl of your dreams. But, then Ovid pulls a fast one on the young men he has been advising, and in part 3 tells women how to thwart the lovers of the first two parts and find the man of their dreams.

It is all a lot of work. “Love is a species of warfare/ slack troopers, go elsewhere!/ It takes more than cowards to guard/ these standards. Night-duty in winter, long route-marches, every/ Hardship, all forms of suffering: these await/ The recruit who expects a soft option.”

Of course, you already knew all this. The most amazing thing about Ovid is not that he has an amusing way to give advice on love, but how familiar all that advice sounds. You can pick just about any part at random and set it to music and never know it wasn’t a pop song written in 2020. Indeed, these lyrics would be far better than those in many a contemporary pop song.

Not up for all this work at love? Fear not, Ovid has you covered. Positioned immediately following The Art of Love is another Ovid masterpiece: Cures for Love.

Attend to my precepts, then, you disappointed gallants,
All those whom their loves have utterly betrayed.
Let him who taught you to love now teach you love’s cure—
Take succor from the hand that struck the wound!

The trick? Well, the best option is to never let love start growing. But, if you fail at that, Rule Number One is: No Leisure! Keep busy. And the best way to do that: farming! No leisure there—always something to do down on the farm. Also hunting! And if that doesn’t work, travel!

Now you may not be able to head to the country to farm or to distant lands, but fear not, Ovid is not out of advice. Start dwelling on the flaws of your beloved! Magnify the deformities; encourage the object of your love to engage in activities which expose all those deficiencies.

It turns out curing love is at least as much work as indulging in love.

Why read Ovid? In an age in which we can all use more opportunities to smile and chuckle at life, Ovid is right there ready to be your guide. Love is indeed a mysterious and amusing thing; who can explain it? If you are young, read Ovid to help put your wooing into perceptive. If you are old, read Ovid to remember and perhaps even rekindle those flames of love. Read Ovid because he is wise, not in the advice he gives, but in reminding us that all of life is not serious, that some parts of life are meant to be treated with a lighthearted raillery.