What is Friendship? That is one of those questions which I instinctively answer, “It’s obvious,” but whenever I read something about the matter, I think the essay I just read misses the point.
Consider Plato’s Lysis, his dialogue on Friendship.
Not a very good work if one evaluates a work of philosophy on the criterion of providing an answer which is even worth considering. Nothing here on that front. A decent work if one uses the criterion of whether it has the possibility of provoking thought on an interesting subject, but the work is strained by the absurdity of the way Socrates spends far too much time asking if the fact that Like should be friends with Unlike and not Like, means that Good cannot be friends with Good. But since Good cannot be friends with Not Good, then how can friendship exist?
Such is the sort of argument that gives philosophy a bad name. It gets worse when he proceeds to define the nature of Friendship by asking whether the Body is Friend to Health and then works out the implications for that Friendship between Body and Health on Friendship between two humans.
So (news flash) Plato fails to give an answer here. But Montaigne’s essay on Friendship is not much better, arguing as it does that you can only have one Friend and that it obviously can’t be someone of the opposite sex.
Bacon does better by limiting his essay to the benefits of friendship, but leaves the question of a definition alone.
Emerson—uh, when did Emerson ever define anything?
Aristotle? By the time he is done dissecting Friendship, I have learned a lot, but it looks so lifeless on the lab bench.
Cicero does a decent job in his essay on the subject, but like all Cicero, it leaves me wanting a bit more.
Why is Friendship so hard to Define? As I think about it, I stumble on a related problem—is Friendship the same as Love? Is love necessary and sufficient for friendship? Or are they different? Can you have a friend you do not Love? Odd idea. Can you love someone who is not your friend? Well, Christ does say “Love Your Enemies,” but does that make them your friends?
And then there are all those types of friendships; my wife is my friend—my best friend, no less—but I have other friends too. Are these different classes or different degrees of friendship?
This troubles me. It should be easier than this.
And, it leads to the more practical concerns. If Friendship is a Good—and I think it is self-evident that Friendship is a Good—then it seems like we have a moral obligation to be perfect in our Friendships.
So, imagine you resolved to be the best Friend you could be to everyone who is a friend of yours. The best possible friend. What would you do? Is such a thing even possible? As soon as I start puzzling over how to be the best possible friend to everyone I consider a friend, I realize that my immediate thoughts turn toward things involving Time, which as much as I might like it to be otherwise, does come in fixed quantities.
If I wanted to be the best friend possible for my wife (as noted above, my best friend), then how can I also spend the appropriate amount of time being the best possible friend to all my other friends? Is it enough to be there when they call? Or does be the best possible Friend involve more proactivity?
The longer I think about this, the more I realize I have significant failings as a Friend. Maybe this is why Montaigne wrote his silly essay—if I define Friendship in such a way that I can only have one friend, then my problem is solved.
But, then what about all my other friends? They aren’t just acquaintances after all. They are my Friends. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, I’m just not a very good friend. I’m not being maudlin or anything here—and I am certainly not fishing for “Oh, you aren’t so bad” comments; just as a philosophical matter, I am not sure a) what defines friendship or b) how to be a perfect friend, and thus it is hard to see how I could be doing a very good job at this.
Another way of putting it, I am not sure how anyone else could be doing a good job at this either—does anyone think they are the Perfect Friend?
Now my inability to conceive of the existence of a Perfect Friend (Well, OK except a Friend who is Fully God…but that’s cheating), does not excuse my failings as a Friend. After all, I cannot imagine a sinless life, yet I should still aspire to perfection in all things. That would seem to include perfection in friendship. I’m just not sure how to go about this. How do I stop being such a bad friend?
C.S. Lewis takes a good run at friendship in his book The Four Loves, but I think you’re right – friendship is very hard to define. And it’s a crucial question, especially for men – I just read an article in the Globe about a study which says that loneliness and lack of close, real friends is more dangerous for men in terms of longevity than smoking or obesity. Clearly friendship – real friendship – plays a crucial role in human life.
Friendship has to be distinguished from mere acquaintances – someone can have dozen of causal relationships and not encounter the deep connections which are so necessary for well being. Friendship also takes TIME – I think one of the reasons so many of us lack sustaining friendship is that we’re frantically busy and constantly booked with the demands of family and the pace of modern life. Friendship and family connections are also easily confused – I wonder if your assertion that your wife is your best friend – while certainly true in one sense and for you to judge in another – isn’t really a role confusion Jim? She is the closest human being to your center, your companion, coparent, etc but is she your FRIEND? Can a spouse really fill that role in addition to all the others they already occupy? I can’t answer the question but I wonder if loading too many functions onto one relationship is another factor in the decline of friendship and the resulting loneliness. “Why do I need friends – I’m married!”
I’ve had a couple periods in my life where I’ve been blessed to experience fulfilling, life giving friendship – both were in faith communities (I wonder if that’s important to this discussion?) It truly is a gift from God